


Interlude or Thoughts on Love

by sassy_curmudgeon



Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous sexuality, Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I Blame Tumblr, No beta we die like Edmund, Peneloise, Pining, Romance, maybe our girl friends are our soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29951619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassy_curmudgeon/pseuds/sassy_curmudgeon
Summary: Penelope muses on love, loss, and the future. She loves Colin and her best friend Eloise but she has started to realize her love for Eloise feels more true.
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Marina Thompson, Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington, Eloise Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Comments: 5
Kudos: 23





	Interlude or Thoughts on Love

**Author's Note:**

> I took this out of Penelope Unbound because while I love this, it just didn't really fit. Starts kind of abruptly because of this. Hope you like it :)

That evening Penelope could not sleep a wink.

Her thoughts were on love, the meaning of love, the impact of it, and all the apparent intransigencies of love that she was either too young or too naive to fully understand... or perhaps accept.

Penelope was quite well aware of the limits her youth and inexperience put on her. What could she possibly know of love when she lived with a spiritless father, catty sisters, and a tasteless and domineering mother who had not shown her youngest daughter any physical affection in years? She liked to think she knew what love was, however.

Who was the person that she loved the most?

Colin, she thought. Colin who had been her most fervent and burning passion for so long. Colin who was handsome and kind and gentle, who was attentive, who danced with her.... and who saw her like a little sister. Who only danced with her out of pity, she was certain. He had never once glanced at her and saw a woman. In fact he had looked right past her to be hit by the dart of love upon a mere glance to her beautiful, alluring cousin.

Marina was right. Colin saw a sister in her, not a wife.

_Your love is an unrequited fantasy._

Did Marina know how badly those words had wounded her? More than likely not, Penelope had decided, for the most beautiful of girls never cared much for their words or mannerisms, not if it fit into their own perfectly ordered existence. Beautiful girls could get away with anything.

Yet the question remained- what _was_ love? How could one recognize it? She loved Colin, she adored him with every beat of her wounded heart. Could love, however, exist if it was unrequited?

Only Eloise loved her completely, only Eloise knew her. She did not know _all_ of her secrets, it is true. She did not know she was Lady W, or of her undying unrequited love for her older brother. But she knew Penelope, she was understood, she supported her always. Was this not love? What difference was this to the love of the poets, of the sages?

Burrowing deeper into her bed Penelope let out a sigh as she recalled another night, another bedchamber.

* * *

All of London was asleep but not Penelope and Eloise. The former had been in her own guest quarters at Number Five along with her maid when Eloise tapped gently and poked her head into the bedchamber, face lit yellow in the light of the flickering candle she held aloft.

“Pen,” she had whispered, her long white nightgown whispering about her slender form. She cast her eyes at the sleeping maid on the cot near the window.

Pen had sat up, rubbing traces of sleep from her eyes. Wordlessly she stood up, making sure her maid was sound asleep.

Minutes later the two girls were laying in Eloise’s bed, warm under the quilt, the waning light of the sputtering candles casting an orange glow on the girls. They spoke in hushed whispers, faces pressed to pillows, and Penelope searched her friend’s eyes which looked so heavy and almost sad.

“What is it?” Penelope whispered hesitantly.

Eloise swallowed thickly and attempted a smile.

“I was just thinking. Of the future. My wish is to be a spinster free from the plague that is marriage yet I know you do not wish for the same.”

Penelope did not understand but she knew at times she could be slow on the uptake. She took the time to choose her words carefully.

“I... El, our situations are so very different. You mother allows you to speak freely of this. You have the option of remaining unmarried. For me it is not like this, Mama only wants me wedded and gone. Out of her home and-“

Eloise expelled a great puff of air, eyes mutinous.

“It’s so blasted unfair, Pen! We were born women and our choices are so limited. I wish we could do as we please like Colin, move about freely in society like Anthony, dedicate our lives to art and beauty like Benedict. Why must we be wedded against our will, our futures and dreams robbed from us?”

Penelope studied her dear friend like she was a curious passage from a book. She wanted to speak openly. She knew that marriage and children was not what troubled Eloise.

“I... would like to marry for love, El. I admit I do not care for the ton or society and all its capriciousness. My family does not care too much for me. I cannot even pick my own gowns. In marriage I can escape that. I can have my own children. The only way is to marry for love and-“ her breath hitched, the burning, tightening in her throat betraying her anguish, her fear for the future. “-and I know that love is not in the cards, not for me. Who could ever look at me and think of love?”

Eloise’s eyes glittered brightly in the candlelight. _So beautiful_ , thought Penelope with pride and an odd wistfulness.

Eloise reached out a pale hand and placed her fingertips gingerly on Penelope’s soft round cheeks.

“You are so precious to me, Pen,” Eloise whispered, “I believe what we have is love in its purest form. I wish things were so different. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I do see you, I give you my word I do. I see you, Penelope. I wish I had been born a man so I could wed you and take you away. We would run away forever.”

Penelope felt the tears pouring down her face and Eloise stroked her thumb down her cheeks to wipe them away.

“Perhaps we shall never know, Pen. What marriage is like. What love is like. I mean love between a man and a woman.”

“Have you ever wanted to be kissed?” Penelope breathed out the question before she could stop herself, blushing pink in the half-light.

She had wanted to be kissed by Colin for so, so long. Now that she knew more about marital relations she felt the thorn in her heart that represented Eloise’s brother deepen and draw blood as she imagined all the kisses Colin was giving to Marina, how he would touch her in their marriage bed. Sometimes alone and lonely in her bedchamber Penelope would pretend she was with him. She would pretend it was their wedding night and he was disrobing her, bit by bit, until she lay naked and trembling before him. Alone in her bed, shaking hands found themselves caressing heated flesh under linen, cotton, and wool, whispering an imagined kiss to her secret lover, watching, spellbound, as he gave his crooked, handsome smile, and lowered his face and body down to hers. She was almost always disgusted with herself after for desiring a married man who loved her cousin.

Eloise considered the question.

“Yes,” she whispered, “I have wanted it. I am lonely too, Pen.”

Something else Eloise had said came back to her mind.

“El, do you think it’s true that we share a love like that? Between a husband and wife?”

Eloise looked startled, eyes glittering beautiful but bewildered.

“What do you mean? Surely it is not possible? Is love not intended between a man and woman?”

“I suppose...” Pen allowed, deep in thought, “but...why? Is it a law somewhere? Is love not its own reward, does it not exist beyond earthly human squabbles? Beyond flesh?”

Eloise said nothing, the stillness of the night was so heavy now.

Suddenly she drifted closer, her wide grey eyes studying Penelope, tremulous. Her hand still rested lightly on Penelope’s cheek.

Penelope could scarcely move or even breathe, her heart pounding loudly in her ears, as she watched the other girl inch closer and closer, her rosebud lips all she could see.

The touch of their lips together was light and brief, experimental, and as Eloise began to slowly retreat Penelope compulsively tightened her hold on the girl, fingers digging gently into her friend’s arm, wanting the kiss to last just a moment longer. She felt the coil of heat pool lightly in her belly as they kissed deeply for a mere moment, yet for Penelope the moment went on forever in her heart and mind. It was glorious, it was perfect.

They both leaned back after a moment, considering the other. Eloise was a little flushed but smiled winningly. Penelope gave a chuckle that burst from her, giddy and scandalized.

At least now she could say she had been kissed by someone she truly loved.

**Author's Note:**

> I based a lot of this on an intense friendship I had in high school with a girl that turned... ehhh I guess physical and almost romantic, and I still remember so many years later how my concept of love went belly up and changed irrevocably. 
> 
> The love and warmth and safety you feel for a friend is just as powerful as the love for a romantic partner.
> 
> Peneloise are soulmates, guys, even though I love Polin and will do down with that ship 💜


End file.
